Death Becomes Her!
by Lopaka Tanu
Summary: More Mary Sues than you can shake a stick at, or shoot an arrow through, or blast to pieces or...
1. Looks Like Rain

Death Becomes Her!  
  
Lopaka Tanu  
  
Summary: A death of a Mary Sue, in d minor.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mary Sues, just playing with them. The others belong to someone, not me.  
  
Inspired by: My friend Bella, and all you wonderful Mary Sues.  
  
* * *  
  
Crime Scene One: Mary Sues from heaven.  
  
Act one: Looks like Rain.  
  
Aragorn and Legolas sat at Rivendell's entrance waiting. The birds were singing, and the sun was shining. It was a perfect and glorious day, the day of the Council. Suddenly, out from the sky came a blood-curdling scream that silenced all the birds. That was followed by a wet sounding splat as a tree shook, sending said birds to wing.  
  
Aragorn sighed as he leaned back against the tree behind the rock they were sitting on. "There goes another one."  
  
Legolas sighed in exasperation. "Again? That must be the fifth one this day."  
  
"I am aware of this, my friend."  
  
"One would think they would know better by now. To just fall from the clouds like a drop of rain, they will have the same results. A large spot on the ground." He sat up in anger. "I know not your opinion, but I think they would at least use some... device to float from the clouds, or use their supposed impressive magic to slow their descent."  
  
Aragorn nodded his agreement.  
  
Moments later, another loud scream rang that was silenced in to a sigh as clouds formed over head, slowing the decent of a small falling object in the distance. "Perhaps this one will have better luck... It appears I spoke too soon, she has already drifted off to Mirkwood."  
  
Aragorn snorted. "Hope she likes spiders."  
  
"Yes, quite right."  
  
End Act One.  
  
~~~  
  
Real Disclaimer: Everything LOTR does not belong to me. I claim no ownership. Do not sue.  
  
~~~ 


	2. Merry Pippins

***  
  
Act Two: Merry Pippins.  
  
Our Fellowship was underway from Rivendell, Aragorn in the lead. Behind him the Hobbits were surrounding Gandalf asking for his tricks. A light warm breeze picked up and heavenly music started to play through the trees. The voice of an angel sang to the melody of the song, and all were entranced by her beauty as she floated from the sky, sword in one hand, umbrella in the other.  
  
Frodo groaned as he listened. "Not yet another one!"  
  
"Just a mouth full of elf bread helps the hunger go 'way, hunger go 'way..."  
  
At this, the Hobbits grabbed for their sacks like wolves on the lamb. The others of the party watched as the Mary Sue continued to float down. They watched in awe as her clothes shone in the sunlight, and her radiant hair glistened. All loved her from the moment they saw her beauty. When a sudden flash appeared, her song turned in to screams of fear as she began the long descent without her umbrella, which was following her while a flame.  
  
Moments later a splattering sound followed by a sickening thud rang out through the valley. In shock, the others turned to the only mystic in the group. Gandalf stared back at them, the same shock on his face.  
  
"Have you a hand in this, Gandalf the Gray?"  
  
Before he could reply, he snatched at a hand that lingered at his robe. Bringing it out, he glared at the tiny Hobbit attached to it holding his staff.  
  
Pippin smiled cheekily. "It was an accident?"  
  
"Pippin," they groaned as one.  
  
End Act Two.  
  
~~~  
  
Disclaimer on first page  
  
~~~ 


	3. Left Turn at Albuquerque

***************************************************************  
  
Act Three: Left Turn at Albuquerque.  
  
Saruman watched as another beautiful, stunning, gorgeous she-elf floated towards his waiting armies. Slapping a hand over his eyes, he held his head low as he shook it. Sometimes it just didn't pay to be evil. Once again he regretted his decision as he heard the same tired line.  
  
"Prepare to die evil men of Sauron!"  
  
"Orcs! Those are Orcs, you bastard child of a Dwarf!" He called out as she landed. "Kill her!"  
  
The Orcs surrounded her, weapons at the ready. The first to dive at her was sliced to pieces.  
  
"Use your bows, you ignorant beasts! She can kill you in close combat!" When they fired their bows only to kill each other, he raised his staff. "If one wants something done, one must doeth it thyself." As he chanted, the earth below Mary Sue's feet opened up and she fell through to her death in the fires that fueled Mordor. Thus another great evil was removed from the land.  
  
Congratulating himself on a job well done, he turned back towards the mines where his Uruk-hai were being produced. However, before he could start towards it, the beautiful notes of yet another Mary came to him upon the wind.  
  
It was times like that that made him glad he was already evil, for the song would drive him to commit murder. Suddenly appearing in his tower, he listened to her as she came down.  
  
"And bye, bye, bye... Hey, this doesn't look like Rivendell!"  
  
Saruman smiled as she looked at him through the pillars of his tower. As she drifted by, he waved.  
  
"Perhaps you should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque? I hear that is the place where a lot of people get lost." His evil laughter filled the dark sky.  
  
End Act Three  
  
End Scene One.  
  
~~~  
  
Disclaimer on first page.  
  
~~~ 


	4. Some Where Over the Rainbow

*** Crime Scene Two: Some Where Over the Rainbow.  
  
Act One: Location! Location! Location!  
  
Our heroes were walking through the woods when the wind picked up. They ran for cover behind large trees as a bright swirling vortex burst in to life. Gandalf was standing next to Frodo when it happened.  
  
"Great Gandalf, what is this wind? Some new form of evil from Sauron?"  
  
Gandalf shook his head, holding his hat with one hand and his staff in the other. "I fear it is something far worse, young Baggins."  
  
Frodo's eyes went wide with fearful knowledge. "You mean..."  
  
"Yes, it is the dreaded Mary Sue!"  
  
"Noooooo!" His scream alerted the others over the volume of the winds' howls.  
  
Legolas was the first to reach them. "What is this, Gandalf?" He took in the sight of the cowering Hobbit and went pale. "You must tell me what has made him as so!"  
  
Gandalf pointed to the vortex as a bright light exploded from it. This was followed by a young woman in all her shining glory. She burst forth upon the scene, literally.  
  
As she flew from the vortex, the Mary Sue hit the tree Frodo and Gandalf were hiding behind. So great was her force, the mighty tree shook and fell on top of the poor Hobbit, thus ending his quest as it began.  
  
The mood was sour after that, and the ring never made it to Mordor because not even the mighty Gandalf in all his magic could lift the felled tree. It was then agreed to wait until the next generation before they would try again. Maybe then the tree would have rotted away.  
  
End Act One.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page ~~~ 


	5. Welcome to Munchkin Shire

***  
  
Act Two: Welcome to Munchkin Shire.  
  
The screams echoed throughout the shire as the Mary Sue appeared from the swirling vortex. Hobbits abandoned their meals from fright, now you must know this is such a terrible thing because a Hobbit does not leave food behind. All ran to their holes or behind the grand wizard Gandalf, pleading for his assistance in dealing with this new threat.  
  
As she approached the skittish Hobbits, they grew less afraid, as she looked like them. Before she could reach for them, Gandalf held them back with his staff.  
  
"Hold fast, that is no Hobbit." He looked at the Mary Sue without fear. "What do you seek in this place?"  
  
"I've come to join the quest of the ring, with Frodo Baggins." Her musical voice lilted to his wizened old ears.  
  
"You are a minion of Sauron!"  
  
"I ain't! I belong with Frodo, he and I are destined to be together!" She insisted as she drew closer.  
  
"Do something, Gandalf! She scares me!" Frodo exclaimed as he huddled behind the old wizard.  
  
"Be gone from this place, or else!" He blocked her path as she tried to duck around him and grab Frodo.  
  
"Out of my way! He and I are meant to be!" She went to dive at the Hobbit again, but was blasted back when Gandalf slammed his staff into the earth.  
  
"I said be gone, dark one! You were warned!" His voice rose out into the night as he chanted. Another vortex appeared above her and there came a large farmhouse from above, crushing her, to leave only her ruby haired feet sticking out from under the side.  
  
A great cheer rang out as the Hobbits returned to their food, and the fireworks started again. It was a few moments later when a tall she-Elf came out of the house holding a Jack Russell Terrier and a hand basket. She flicked her bright shiny hair over her shoulder and started towards the only other tall person among the little people.  
  
Gandalf watched with a serious eye as the new Mary Sue came towards him. With a wave of his staff, her feet were now covered with the hairy ones of Hobbit Mary. "These will aid you on your quest, follow the mud brick road and it will take you to your chosen."  
  
She smiled her thanks, flicked her hair again and set off with a skip.  
  
Frodo smirked at the older being. "You do realize that brick path will lead her to the halls of Moria?"  
  
"I am aware of that, young Hobbit, and I am sure they will put her to good use. We all know their opinion of Elves, do we not?"  
  
"I some times wonder whose side you are on, Gandalf."  
  
"I am on the side of right, young Baggins, never forget that." He turned back to his fireworks. "Now how about you light up the next series for me?"  
  
End Act Two.  
  
End Scene Two.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page. ~~~ 


	6. Sleeping Beauty Syndrome

***  
  
Crime Scene Three: Sleeping Beauty Syndrome.  
  
Act One: True Love's Kiss.  
  
"Go on, it is the only way." Gandalf urged the reluctant Dwarf forward.  
  
Behind them, the other members of the fellowship were biting their knuckles to stop the laughter. Each knew what was going on, but thought that it would be best for their less-worldly friend to learn this on his own. When the snickers started to get vocal again, Gandalf turned on them with a quelling glare. This only served to make them burst out laughing.  
  
At the disruption, Gimli turned back, only to be pushed forward again by the wizard. "Are you sure this will work?"  
  
"Yes, now go!"  
  
Shrugging, Gimli moved the rest of the way to settle beside the sleeping beautiful Human maiden. Wiping his lips to remove the facial hair, he bent down and planted a big wet one on her lips. She awoke and started to struggle, but he held her tight to him. When he released her lips, he looked her in the eyes. "You are now mine, sweet one!"  
  
Her screams of terror were silenced as she stuck her own dagger in her heart, repeatedly.  
  
With a sigh of disgust, he tossed the body aside and turned on the rolling fellowship. "You knew!"  
  
They could only laugh as tears of laughter ran down their cheeks. Huffing his anger, he walked away further down the path muttering to himself about the kiss of true love. "One kiss, he says. One kiss to awaken her, and the moment she lays eyes upon you she is in love. Bah, love indeed!"  
  
End Act One.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page. ~~~ 


	7. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

***  
  
Act Two: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.  
  
Frodo turned back to face the path before them. His back straight as he walked beside Gimli. "She is still back there."  
  
"I told you not to do it." The Dwarf chuckled as the Hobbit checked again. "No matter how many times you check, she will still be back there."  
  
"I do not wish her to be so. Why can she not return back to the forest and be with her own kind?" His complaint met only chuckles. "Enjoy yourself, Gimli! I will get you back for this."  
  
"Don't worry yourself, halfling. Do you think yourself the first one to stumble upon the sleeping Mary Sue only to have her awaken and follow you like a lost puppy?"  
  
Frodo stared at him with shock. "What happened to the others?"  
  
"Nothing, I got all eight of them tied up to my cave entrance. Feed them twice a day, and let them run for a while and they will be happy."  
  
The Hobbit looked over his shoulder again. "Isn't there any place I can take her so she can be adopted by a nice Human family?"  
  
"Yes, but they usually end up putting them down for lack of available homes. If you want to be humane about it, simply take her with you, and while there, toss her into the fires of Mordor."  
  
"Gimli!"  
  
"You asked, but mark my words, the further along the journey you get, the wiser my words will sound. Trust me on this, little Hobbit."  
  
Frodo could only watch in shock as Gimli walked on ahead. Taking another look back, he spied the Mary Sue watching him with large, hungry, lust- filled eyes. A heat welled up inside of him and his fingers itched to do just what Gimli stated. Horrified at his emotions, he pushed them down and rushed to catch up with Gimli.  
  
End Act Two.  
  
End Scene Three.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page ~~~ 


	8. A Charmed Life

***  
  
Crime Scene Four: A Charmed Life.  
  
Act One: Elver Fudd.  
  
Legolas released a hoarse cry of anger, losing the infamous composure as he fired yet another arrow missing his target. "Blast these demonic creatures. From which side of the dark one did they come?"  
  
Shaking his head, Gandalf spoke. "Not from this world, but another of great evils. These evils are known as the dreaded Mary Sues."  
  
"What else can they do beside appear one moment, and disappear the next?"  
  
"It is called blinking, and they have many abilities. Their main purpose is to disrupt our world from its natural course of events and seduce key beings of power. Most are in search of The One Ring."  
  
Legolas stared at him in horror. "Then we shall not let them have it."  
  
"I am afraid it is not that simple, my friend," Aragorn called out to him. "They can beguile a man with their voice and enchanting beauty."  
  
"That may be, but I am not a Man, and thus these vile creatures will not ensnare me in their evil traps!" Just then another blinked into existence in front of them. He fired and missed again. "This is not working! I am just wasting my arrows. What can we do?"  
  
"They appear to be only after you, Aragorn, and Frodo," Gandalf observed.  
  
"That gives me an idea." Legolas shouldered his bow, and grabbed the hands of Aragorn and Frodo. "Chant with me. Cute we be, be gone dark demons, with the Power of Three. Cute we be, be gone dark demons, with the Power of Three. Cute we be, be gone dark demons, with the Power of Three." As they chanted the Mary Sues blinked in front of them and started to scream as their bodies were consumed by fire.  
  
When it was over, Gandalf clapped him on the back. "Good thinking."  
  
"I saw it in a dream once. Only it was three women facing off against blinking demons."  
  
"I had that same dream," Frodo cried out.  
  
"As did I," Aragorn stated with wonder.  
  
"If I am Prue, then you are..." Legolas pointed at Aragorn.  
  
"Piper."  
  
"And you are Phoebe," Legolas asked Frodo.  
  
"No, I am the cute one, Paige."  
  
"I wanna be Paige," cried Aragorn.  
  
"Forget it, this was my idea, Aragorn, you are Piper, and Frodo is Phoebe!"  
  
"You are just jealous I thought of being Paige first!"  
  
"I am not, this was season one, before Andy died! So that little bimbo didn't exist and I still have a chance to get Andy...." Silence reined as Legolas stopped speaking. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. You can be Paige."  
  
End Act One.  
  
End Scene Four.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page. ~~~ 


	9. It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's Supe...

***  
  
Crime Scene Five: It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's Super Mary Sue!  
  
Act One: Creature from the Black Banks of Anduin.  
  
The Uruk-Hai surged through the woods attacking the fellowship, and driving them back to the flowing waters of the river. Swords clashed as they fought for their very lives. Good against Evil, dark against light. They fought until the water was at their very backs.  
  
And then, they heard it.  
  
A mournful song filled the air as the waters stirred. The Fellowship started to panic.  
  
"I would rather face certain death with the Uruk-hai than another tentacle beast." The others agreed with Aragorn and rushed forward screaming at the Uber Orcs.  
  
In confusion, the Uruk-hai watched as the Fellowship ran past them into the woods. As the music continued to grow in pitch until it was ear aching, they turned to face the water's edge. The water came slinked away from the vision of a Mary Sue as she rose up from the depths of the river. Her voice raising to the music. Flicking a clump of grassy mud-filled hair off her face, she started towards them walking on the water. Two of the Uruk-hai were the closest beings to her as she reached the land. They looked at each other then back at her. "What is it?"  
  
"I am Mary Sue. I am here to save Boromir." she stated with other worldly presence. A moment of dead silence, and then they set upon her. And thus, as she distracted the Uruk-Hai with her death, Boromir escaped with the members of the Fellowship.  
  
End Act One.  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page. ~~~ 


	10. Mary Sues, Trolls, and Balrogs Oh my!

***  
  
Act Two: Mary Sues, Trolls, and Balrogs. Oh my!  
  
They raced through the tunnels away from the flaming monster. The creature's evil aura could be felt even from the ends of the great hall. Holding their weapons close, they ran down the steps towards the bridge of Khazad-dum. The stairs collapsed under their weight as they fought to stay on them. Before they reached the bridge, a mighty blast of light hit the Balrog, and sent it flying in to the pits below.  
  
Turning to look at this stranger that had saved their lives, their grateful expressions turned to that of abject fear. Frodo was the first to recover. "Run for your lives, it's a Mary Sue!" Screams from the Hobbits echoed as they ran across the bridge.  
  
The Dwarf and Boromir were next, followed by Aragorn. As Legolas crossed he made sure Gandalf was following. When the Wizard stopped mid way, he did too. "Why have you stopped, Gandalf?"  
  
"I can not let this evil loose upon the world." He turned and faced the Mary Sue as she raced towards the bridge, arms waving.  
  
"You who, Legolas! It's me, your one true love! Come back to me, my love!" Her high pitched voice was sickeningly sweet.  
  
Legolas shuttered at her presence and backed away slowly, not wanting to alarm the beast. He reached out for Gandalf, but his hand was shaken off. "Come, Gandalf, we must go before it is too late."  
  
"It is already too late, the beast has seen us. You must go, go now while you still can!" He shoved the Elf towards the other side of the bridge as Mary Sue started towards them. Half way across, his staff lit up and a ball of energy formed around him. "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Anor!"  
  
"I don't care who you are! Get out of my way, old man!" She tried to get passed him, but bounced off his aura. "What the Fuck? That does it, you are really asking for it, grandpa! Get the hell out of my way!"  
  
"Back you evil!"  
  
"I will have my Legolas!"  
  
He brought up his staff. "You shall not have his ass!"  
  
Then he brought it down and struck the bridge causing the rock to shake and brake apart.  
  
"What the fu...." Her words were lost as the bridge collapsed under her feet. As Gandalf turned to join the others, her hair lashed out and wrapped around his ankle, dragging him down over the edge with her.  
  
Falling, he grasped the edge of the bridge and stopped just before his head reached ground level.  
  
"Fly, you fools!" and then he was gone.  
  
End of Act Two.  
  
End of Scene Five.  
  
The End???  
  
~~~ Disclaimer on first page. ~~~ 


End file.
